August 11, 2015

Dear Nocturnal Animals,

I am not nocturnal and do not want to to be friends with you. Ever. Or your family.
Or friends. Your persuasive ways are falling on deaf ears and I need you to stop harassing me. Immediately. As much as I appreciate your earnestness in developing a relationship, I need to be forthright and let you know, it will never work out. I am decidedly sickened, scared, and disgusted by your presence, so even being in proximity of you makes me vomit in my mouth a little.

One of your little winged rats paid me a visit at my parents house. In the living room at 10:30 p.m. on a Sunday night. I was on the phone and in the corner of my eye, I see a black bat making a beeline for my head. My controlled shrieking and cursing did nothing to stop his goal of using my head as a target for his vile fluttering. Running up the stairs and careening down the hallway, I met him again and continued my screeching until I barricaded myself in a bedroom. Your flying mammal met his demise with a broom and dustpan in none other the room I was sleeping in. Lucky me.

Sleeping with one eye open was truly enjoyable.

See? I am not ‘friend’ material.

However, Ricky, the masked marauder was hell bent on saying hi and made it his mission to do so. I was on my way out the door for an early morning run and heard the squawks, loud chatter and high-pitched shrieking by our garbage cans. Either Ricky was having a roll in the hay, getting ready to rumble, or feasting at the buffet left before him. I ran off, too chicken to investigate. Forty-five minutes later, I came back to carnage strewn about the trash cans. I kicked the cans before depositing the left-over wrappers, not wanting to come into contact with the bandits. I didn’t hear anything, so I opened the garbage can lid and was eye to eye with a baby raccoon, beseeching me to help him out.

Hell, no.

Neighbors on either side of me heard me scream as I sprinted inside.

Pest control came and removed Ricky for a pretty penny while my kids watched the scene unfold.

Son: "Oooh, he’s so cute!"
Daughter: "He looks nice, can we keep him?"

Hell, no.

Nocturnal animals, that’s the last straw. Don’t woo my children into believing you are cute and cuddly. They will stab you in the back as soon as they see a bunny. Fickle, I tell you.

Please stay away and try to make some friends that have similar interests. I don’t eat bugs or trash and I prefer sleeping at night, not during the day.

Best,

Girl Scout Flunky